shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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