If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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