I just gift wrapped bread.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
