She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
