He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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