If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
