Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
