I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
