I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I currently don't understand fingers.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize