Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
