i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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