I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My vagina just clenched in fear
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
