my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
