So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
