ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
whose parrot is this?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
