"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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