Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
