I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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