thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
