Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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