bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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