This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
