You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
