I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
