So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
