I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize