I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
