I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
