Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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