Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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