Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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