i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
As shirtless as possible
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize