I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
