Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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