This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
