you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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