I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
