Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
