I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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