You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
