Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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