Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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