I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize