My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My ATM looks so different sober.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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