So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
