It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
