Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
