Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
too bad you live with your parents still
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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