Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
