yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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