this just has baby written all over it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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