What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
