I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize