When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
