I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
