PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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