Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
